The other day while soldering through an awesomely unplanned holy-crap-there's-so-much-funny-shit-online video clip binge I arrived at one with the chunky and horribly over-coloned title: "Saturday Night Live: Update: Bjork". Of course that was enough to tell me that someone on the SNL apparently had the balls to try and do a Bjork impression on Weekend Update. "Good luck with that one," I thought, as Hulu graciously served me up some perfectly streamed, unobtrusively advertised goodness.
And then as the the first moments rolled I realized that it was Kristen Wiig sitting there next to Seth that little Bjork-when-she's-all-girly outfit and I thought, "fuck, this is going to be awesome." And it so was.
Kristen Wiig has been steadily lighting up SNL for some time now but it's only in more recent days, with the departure of Amy "God-Your-So-Perfect-and-Hot-and-Funny" Poehler, that her screen time has been so copious that you get to see how goddamn versatile this woman is, jumping around from spot on character to way-way-way-different-yet-still-totally-spot-on character.
I'm going to go ahead and say (type) it here folks, she's got what it takes to join the Will Farrell, Mike Meyers, Christ Rock, Adam Sandler, Etc. Etc. club. Check these clips out and if you disagree, post your comments and I will take your ass down.
Ode to a Nothing Birthday (“Holy fuck, I’m Thirty-Two!”)
Holy fuck I'm thirty-two, what the fuck am I going to do?
I mean, seriously, who knew I'd make it to thirty-two
With nary a clue what people do
To celebrate thirty-fucking-two.
Because let's face it folks, for a gentile like me, or a Jew like you,
There can be no hullabaloo or ballyhoo when celebrating your only thirty-two.
And if you're not a Jew, I still don’t think you
Would book everyone’s favorite pop-punk superstars Blink 182
To play your big 3-2…. even though you would really like to.
Hell, even Arsenio’s audience, in an unprecedented move,
Silenced their Woo Woo Woo’s the night their boss turned thiry-two.
Yes indeed, I’m telling you, that’s a fact, and facts are true -
Except if written by a Dick, that’s thirty-fucking-two.
Anwhoo….. let me tell you what I’ve decided to do.
I’m going to divide this shit up; split it right in two.
This way there's no big woopty fucking do,
For a nothing fucking number, like thirty-fucking-two.
That’s two chances for you party-poos
To slap me on the arse, whilst slurring “Happy thirty-two!”
And two chances for me to say thank you,
For coming to the one birthday you really really didn’t have to.
For dear reader, believe me you,
The love and support that comes to you
When you reach thirty-fucking-two,
Is as true as a bright, true blue
Truer still, than that little Arsenio ruse I just put you through.
Oh thirty-two, you little stinker you,
I don't hate you, like I hate stinky pooh
or Bush #2, It's just that you
Are just sooooo 30's bitch.
True.
I mean, seriously, who knew I'd make it to thirty-two
With nary a clue what people do
To celebrate thirty-fucking-two.
Because let's face it folks, for a gentile like me, or a Jew like you,
There can be no hullabaloo or ballyhoo when celebrating your only thirty-two.
And if you're not a Jew, I still don’t think you
Would book everyone’s favorite pop-punk superstars Blink 182
To play your big 3-2…. even though you would really like to.
Hell, even Arsenio’s audience, in an unprecedented move,
Silenced their Woo Woo Woo’s the night their boss turned thiry-two.
Yes indeed, I’m telling you, that’s a fact, and facts are true -
Except if written by a Dick, that’s thirty-fucking-two.
Anwhoo….. let me tell you what I’ve decided to do.
I’m going to divide this shit up; split it right in two.
This way there's no big woopty fucking do,
For a nothing fucking number, like thirty-fucking-two.
That’s two chances for you party-poos
To slap me on the arse, whilst slurring “Happy thirty-two!”
And two chances for me to say thank you,
For coming to the one birthday you really really didn’t have to.
For dear reader, believe me you,
The love and support that comes to you
When you reach thirty-fucking-two,
Is as true as a bright, true blue
Truer still, than that little Arsenio ruse I just put you through.
Oh thirty-two, you little stinker you,
I don't hate you, like I hate stinky pooh
or Bush #2, It's just that you
Are just sooooo 30's bitch.
True.
Modest Mouse's "Custom Concern"
As perfect songs often do, this one just lept up at me with relevance anew.
I mean, holy fuck! I've been listening to this song for the better part of 10 years and never before has it been as poignant as it is for me, and for a good chunk of the country I imagine, as right fucking now.
If hopefulness and hopelessness were to collide, head on, it would sound like this.
I mean, holy fuck! I've been listening to this song for the better part of 10 years and never before has it been as poignant as it is for me, and for a good chunk of the country I imagine, as right fucking now.
If hopefulness and hopelessness were to collide, head on, it would sound like this.
Instant Messages of the Unemployed: A Shot of Perspective
[The following conversation took place just minutes ago between myself and my dear friend Alexis of Funemployment Blog fame. Tough times indeed.]
Kev: how's Nana?
Alexis: she's okay
she cried twice today
:(
she's getting really depressed
Kev: oh jesus alexis that's horrible
i'm sorry
Alexis: just the waiting around not knowing when she'll have the surgery and the anticipation of a MAJOR operation
she can't even get to the bathroom on her own without horrible pain
it's not fun
Kev: fuck that's a shot of perspective
Alexis: no kidding
i'm so grateful for my health
Kev: your health, your youth, your life...
so many things to be grateful for in the face of that
Alexis: yeah, no kidding
oy- anyway
Kev: you at starbucks?
Alexis: indeed
Kev: i heard they laid people off
which is just shocking
microsoft, starbucks and just today, farm equipment manufacturing company Caterpillar
Caterpillar Alexis! Caterpillar!
Alexis: aww crap!
Kev: i know
Alexis: They were my safety company!
Kev: totally
me too
now i'm FUCKED
Alexis: if all else failed, i thought i would at least be able to break the tractor marketing industry
shit
Kev: yep
your nana has it easy compared to this shit
Alexis: yeah, right?!
Kev: RIGHT
Kev: how's Nana?
Alexis: she's okay
she cried twice today
:(
she's getting really depressed
Kev: oh jesus alexis that's horrible
i'm sorry
Alexis: just the waiting around not knowing when she'll have the surgery and the anticipation of a MAJOR operation
she can't even get to the bathroom on her own without horrible pain
it's not fun
Kev: fuck that's a shot of perspective
Alexis: no kidding
i'm so grateful for my health
Kev: your health, your youth, your life...
so many things to be grateful for in the face of that
Alexis: yeah, no kidding
oy- anyway
Kev: you at starbucks?
Alexis: indeed
Kev: i heard they laid people off
which is just shocking
microsoft, starbucks and just today, farm equipment manufacturing company Caterpillar
Caterpillar Alexis! Caterpillar!
Alexis: aww crap!
Kev: i know
Alexis: They were my safety company!
Kev: totally
me too
now i'm FUCKED
Alexis: if all else failed, i thought i would at least be able to break the tractor marketing industry
shit
Kev: yep
your nana has it easy compared to this shit
Alexis: yeah, right?!
Kev: RIGHT
your jazz, an unsent letter to a former boss
Your jazz is soft; it is unobtrusive and silky. It is David Sanborn,
it is George Benson, it is Songs in the Key of G. With a genteel
patina all shiny and slick, your jazz is "lite," with a "t-e" not a
"g-h-t."
The instruments of your jazz are bend-less saxophones, synth bass and
the "vibe" setting on an electric piano. Self-effacing, modest and
shy, your jazz fills dentist waiting rooms, supermarket freezer isles
and the escalator well at Nordstrom Rack.
Your jazz is warm but not hot; it is cool but not cold. It is music
for neutral moments; a mauve background for in-between times.
Your jazz is the soundtrack to the first ring of the seventh circle of
hell and should be forced upon no soul-possessing person, most
importantly and specifically, your co-worker.
Take heed.
it is George Benson, it is Songs in the Key of G. With a genteel
patina all shiny and slick, your jazz is "lite," with a "t-e" not a
"g-h-t."
The instruments of your jazz are bend-less saxophones, synth bass and
the "vibe" setting on an electric piano. Self-effacing, modest and
shy, your jazz fills dentist waiting rooms, supermarket freezer isles
and the escalator well at Nordstrom Rack.
Your jazz is warm but not hot; it is cool but not cold. It is music
for neutral moments; a mauve background for in-between times.
Your jazz is the soundtrack to the first ring of the seventh circle of
hell and should be forced upon no soul-possessing person, most
importantly and specifically, your co-worker.
Take heed.
My Top 10 ALBUMS OF 2008 in Alphabetical Order
20 Minute Loop - Famous People Marry Famous People
Beck - Modern Guilt
Faraquet - Anthology 1997-98
The Gutter Twins - Saturnalia
Juliana Hatfield - How To Walk Away (Limited Edition) [CD1]
Marnie Stern - This Is It and I Am It and You Are It and So Is That and He Is It and She Is It and It Is It and That Is That
Nine Inch Nails Ghosts I-IV
The Submarines - Honeysuckle Weeks
Talkdemonic - Eyes At Half Mast
The Uglysuit - The Uglysuit
Beck - Modern Guilt
Faraquet - Anthology 1997-98
The Gutter Twins - Saturnalia
Juliana Hatfield - How To Walk Away (Limited Edition) [CD1]
Marnie Stern - This Is It and I Am It and You Are It and So Is That and He Is It and She Is It and It Is It and That Is That
Nine Inch Nails Ghosts I-IV
The Submarines - Honeysuckle Weeks
Talkdemonic - Eyes At Half Mast
The Uglysuit - The Uglysuit
Financial District Rap
[car horns/city sounds]
Uh.
Clickety-clack, walkin' down the street.
Business men and women, workin' they feet.
I'm in a rush, and so are you
People keep front-en like they got shit' to do.
And cigarrete smokers, droppin' buts like flies,
Stock market bitches with they material eyes.
It's a race, a fucked-up test to see who will get rich
Stay out my way, I got a 9am sales pitch, bitch.
One time, two times, three times hired
I lied on my resume, said I didn't get fired
Cause I'm sly... a back-stabbing, throat-slitting sinister guy
Be wearin' a tie 'til the day I die.
[car horns/city sounds]
You know Fred, we really need you to think outside the box on this one.
Uh.
Yes but Ted, we also need to make sure our solution is scalable.
You bitch and complain and you moan and moan,
You're a drone on a phone approving a godamn loan.
Trust me Ron, we've got enough run room and our burn rate is quite low.
Uh.
Thanks very much John, but I still can't sign off on this until the entire team is onboard.
Trapped in a cage with skyscraper walls
Monkeys and apes, and they got no balls
To break out, and do what they wanna do
Strapped to a life because it pays the bills.
Uh.
Peace.
[car horns/city sounds]
Uh.
Clickety-clack, walkin' down the street.
Business men and women, workin' they feet.
I'm in a rush, and so are you
People keep front-en like they got shit' to do.
And cigarrete smokers, droppin' buts like flies,
Stock market bitches with they material eyes.
It's a race, a fucked-up test to see who will get rich
Stay out my way, I got a 9am sales pitch, bitch.
One time, two times, three times hired
I lied on my resume, said I didn't get fired
Cause I'm sly... a back-stabbing, throat-slitting sinister guy
Be wearin' a tie 'til the day I die.
[car horns/city sounds]
You know Fred, we really need you to think outside the box on this one.
Uh.
Yes but Ted, we also need to make sure our solution is scalable.
You bitch and complain and you moan and moan,
You're a drone on a phone approving a godamn loan.
Trust me Ron, we've got enough run room and our burn rate is quite low.
Uh.
Thanks very much John, but I still can't sign off on this until the entire team is onboard.
Trapped in a cage with skyscraper walls
Monkeys and apes, and they got no balls
To break out, and do what they wanna do
Strapped to a life because it pays the bills.
Uh.
Peace.
[car horns/city sounds]
On Rilo Kiley... Deconstructing One of The Most Deplorable/Beautiful Bands of All Time (Part 1)
One of the most fun things about meeting someone new is that you get to introduce them to all the things that make you tick. In my case, a huge majority of those things are related to music. Of all the music-related things from the last five years or so, one band that must be detailed thoroughly is a little 4-piece out of Los Angeles called Rilo Kiley.
My relationship with Rilo Kiley is about as bumpy as it gets when you're talking about the top 1% of my (never documented, constantly revised) all-time favorites list. And while I truly LOVE this band, I also love to HATE them. Much like their gut wrenchingly-pretty music about the most supremely heartbreaking of life's big moments, my opinion of Rilo Kiley's music flails so wildly across the map that I've resorted to dividing their catalog into three distinct mental blocks. It's my way of keeping this amazing band's sordid legacy at once untouchable and easily disparaged by the little rock geek inside my brain.
Why am I telling you all this? Well because it's complicated, and what are blogs for but to post rambing, self-indulgent ruminations on subjects we think we know a lot about, am I right or am I right?
Now, then:
Part 1 - The Pre-Everything Years - 1999-2001
The first Rilo Kiley epoch is essentially a preamble, in that it spans the length of time between the forming of the band and the release of their first official recording. It is Rilo Kiley in their infancy, drooling on guitars, spitting up all manner of musical sludge. Devoid of publicity and enshrouded in a you-had-to-be-there haze, these pre-everything days produced exactly one album's worth of material, which the band released on its own and then re-issued, twice.
Together the three pressings of the "Initial Friends" EP (it's an LP, in my book) are what Rilo Kiley sounds like in a vacuum. Despite its hiccups (powerpop?) and mis-steps (turntable scratching? really?), it is unmistakably Rilo Kiley, and considering that it was created free from external influence and before anyone knew when the fuck* they were, it's safe to say it's Rilo Kiley at their most sincere.
And I love just about every second of it. A lot.
Stay tuned for parts 2 and 3 to see what happens when the promise of worldwide fame, fortune and lifelong careers in music enter the picture.
*"Initial Friends" features a liberal use of curse words (sample lyric: "Would you fuck me? 'Cause I'd fuck me."), a Rilo Kiley lyrical standard.
My relationship with Rilo Kiley is about as bumpy as it gets when you're talking about the top 1% of my (never documented, constantly revised) all-time favorites list. And while I truly LOVE this band, I also love to HATE them. Much like their gut wrenchingly-pretty music about the most supremely heartbreaking of life's big moments, my opinion of Rilo Kiley's music flails so wildly across the map that I've resorted to dividing their catalog into three distinct mental blocks. It's my way of keeping this amazing band's sordid legacy at once untouchable and easily disparaged by the little rock geek inside my brain.
Why am I telling you all this? Well because it's complicated, and what are blogs for but to post rambing, self-indulgent ruminations on subjects we think we know a lot about, am I right or am I right?
Now, then:
Part 1 - The Pre-Everything Years - 1999-2001
The first Rilo Kiley epoch is essentially a preamble, in that it spans the length of time between the forming of the band and the release of their first official recording. It is Rilo Kiley in their infancy, drooling on guitars, spitting up all manner of musical sludge. Devoid of publicity and enshrouded in a you-had-to-be-there haze, these pre-everything days produced exactly one album's worth of material, which the band released on its own and then re-issued, twice.
Together the three pressings of the "Initial Friends" EP (it's an LP, in my book) are what Rilo Kiley sounds like in a vacuum. Despite its hiccups (powerpop?) and mis-steps (turntable scratching? really?), it is unmistakably Rilo Kiley, and considering that it was created free from external influence and before anyone knew when the fuck* they were, it's safe to say it's Rilo Kiley at their most sincere.
And I love just about every second of it. A lot.
Stay tuned for parts 2 and 3 to see what happens when the promise of worldwide fame, fortune and lifelong careers in music enter the picture.
*"Initial Friends" features a liberal use of curse words (sample lyric: "Would you fuck me? 'Cause I'd fuck me."), a Rilo Kiley lyrical standard.
DEAR BURN TO SHINE, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?
Every now and then something (a band, an artist, a movie, etc.) comes along that makes you think to yourself, "Goodness, why on earth haven't I heard about this before?" Such is the case with Burn to Shine, the live music DVD series curated by Brendan Canty, former Fugazi drummer.
You'd think I would have known about a bunch of videos put together by the guy who's band I've been a fan of since I was 13 that happen to feature some of my favorite bands of all time. But you know what? I didn't have clue about this until yesterday.
That's how much worthwhile shit there is out there, I suppose.
Anyway, the setup for Burn to Shine is simple. Pick a city and take 8-10 of the best, independently-minded bands from that region. Then rent a big old empty house that's about to be destroyed and film the shit out of everyone playing live.
The resulting film, at least from the clips I've seen, is as intimate as most of us are ever likely to get with some of the best bands making music right now. Here are just a few clips which prove that point beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Good luck scraping your jaw off the floor.
Sleater-Kinney - Modern Girl
At any given moment in my life, I could probably call five different bands my absolute "favorite." Sleater-Kinney has stuck around in that list just about longer than any other since I first heard them back in 2001, and this video right here should tell you why.
The Shins - St. Simon
The vocal harmonies on this song have always brought a tear to my eye. So watching The Shins nail it -- just absolutely nail it -- in a space that small, with sound that good, is, I imagine, like watching your kid win the spelling bee. Just fills you with pride.
Eddie Vedder - Can't Keep
The lead singer for another one of my favorite bands of all time tearing through one of their tracks on a goddamn ukulele. Wow.
Wilco - Muzzle of Bees
Holy mother of god they got Wilco! Not only that, they got THE WHOLE BAND! And they crammed them into a tiny little room and convinced them to play MUZZLE OF BEES! Yeehaw!
You'd think I would have known about a bunch of videos put together by the guy who's band I've been a fan of since I was 13 that happen to feature some of my favorite bands of all time. But you know what? I didn't have clue about this until yesterday.
That's how much worthwhile shit there is out there, I suppose.
Anyway, the setup for Burn to Shine is simple. Pick a city and take 8-10 of the best, independently-minded bands from that region. Then rent a big old empty house that's about to be destroyed and film the shit out of everyone playing live.
The resulting film, at least from the clips I've seen, is as intimate as most of us are ever likely to get with some of the best bands making music right now. Here are just a few clips which prove that point beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Good luck scraping your jaw off the floor.
Sleater-Kinney - Modern Girl
At any given moment in my life, I could probably call five different bands my absolute "favorite." Sleater-Kinney has stuck around in that list just about longer than any other since I first heard them back in 2001, and this video right here should tell you why.
The Shins - St. Simon
The vocal harmonies on this song have always brought a tear to my eye. So watching The Shins nail it -- just absolutely nail it -- in a space that small, with sound that good, is, I imagine, like watching your kid win the spelling bee. Just fills you with pride.
Eddie Vedder - Can't Keep
The lead singer for another one of my favorite bands of all time tearing through one of their tracks on a goddamn ukulele. Wow.
Wilco - Muzzle of Bees
Holy mother of god they got Wilco! Not only that, they got THE WHOLE BAND! And they crammed them into a tiny little room and convinced them to play MUZZLE OF BEES! Yeehaw!
GETTING EVEN WITH THE EVENS
Despite the overt phonetic similarity this song has to a certain other kind of movement, I'm pretty sure my musical idol Ian MacKaye and his percussive better half, Amy Farina (aka: The Evens), had nothing but the most altruistic of intentions when they put together this awesome little ditty and accompanying video:
If you've never checked out the Evens, for the love of god, please do so now; they manage to pack a remarkable amount of soul and fire into an tight little acoustic package.
Here they are at NYU tearing the ass out of one of my favorite songs, "You Won't Feel a Thing":
If you've never checked out the Evens, for the love of god, please do so now; they manage to pack a remarkable amount of soul and fire into an tight little acoustic package.
Here they are at NYU tearing the ass out of one of my favorite songs, "You Won't Feel a Thing":
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